Many of you know me from my various adventures as a well known public figure, influencer and Movie star, but did you know I have a very different side to what the media portray me as? In true reality, I'm AuADHD BPD mother to the most amazing NeuroSpicy daughter I could ever of asked for and the beginning of her life started my journey into making a space where mental health and neurodivergence was accepted.

At heart, I'm a massive activist for all things neurodiverse, mental health and body positivity, fighting the system, changing the narrative on inclusivity for all. I know all to well what it's like to live in a world not designed for us and the struggles we face daily with internal battles. NeuroNuggets was created as a place for information, advice, help and experience, put on one page bypassing the un-necessary scrolling just to find what we are looking for and to cut out the filtered reality of what its really like to live in a society and not know who you are.

I want all to feel comfortable in their skin and not alone in their struggles, for the next generation to never feel like they have no where or no one to turn to. I want to create change so that no one will ever feel the way I, and many other adults do because of lack of understanding and non-inclusivity..

This is my Mission...

Early Life

At the age of 7 my peers changed mentally, it was all about who was 'popular' and who wasn't making my life really difficult to 'fit in'. The complete change was harsh on me and I still don't understand why I was classed as the 'weird kid', its like I was never even considered a chance to 'fit in'.

From day one I was a misfit, I was the weirdo.. Kids would always say I was strange or weird and I couldn't understand why? I would try to make friends, be polite, be kind, but no matter what I did I was a freak.

My mum tried getting the school to stop the bullying but all they did was make me do a 'friendship group' during play time. It became an even bigger target on my back as a the class weirdo..

My Childhood was a major struggle with acceptance and identity, I just didn't know who I was.

I was different then other girls my age and connecting was pretty hard, I'm not sure if I became socially awkward or if I always was, but my earliest memory's where when I was in junior school.

The teachers would bring in random kids off the playground, and if looks could kill then that was definitely the moment.

The teacher would then ask questions on what we like, what we don't like, trying to build this connection between us that was never going to happen. I just don't get why they thought it would be a brilliant idea.. like common! How could they possibly think that a socially awkward kid wouldn't get stick for this? All it did was make things ten times worse, even the two friends I did have ended up un-friending me because of it.

I was completely alone, I spent the majority of my time as a select mute, sitting on benches reading books or drawing. Kids would laugh and snigger at me daily, mocking my 'babyish' behaviour because of dolls and toys or mock what I wore (my nan used to knit my cardigans, instead of buying emblem ones).

Bullying is not acceptable in any terms, but what makes it worse,.. it wasn't just the kids, it was the teachers too.

The Teachers

I struggled with learning as well as my attention, not knowing back then that I had underlining Neurological conditions. The majority of teachers would constantly bash me for being lazy, in my own world, not listening, dumb and this wouldn't just be to my face, it would be to my mother too.

I would go into my own world, switching off my conciseness and play pictures in my head like movies, some would say I was daydreaming but I soon learned as a Adult it was a form of disassociating. My imagination would run so wild, I would zone out even when I tried so hard not to - it was almost like I couldn't prevent it. In year 4 I had a more understanding teacher and she noticed that I was struggling badly. She came up with an idea that I was to have a laminated sheet that she would write on before every lesson telling me -

What the lesson was about.
What utensils I'd need.
What I needed to do.

This approach really helped me during lessons, I was no longer anxious about not being able to focus or listen and of course didn't need to worry about not understanding. Of course this was short lived and this key adaption was not passed on to my next school years.

Year 6 was one of the worst, I remember crying most days telling my mum I didn't want to go in. The teacher I had did not at all hide his frustration with my lack of understanding and would constantly below across the room "Ellesha pay attention" "this work is not good enough! do it again" "Stop being lazy and do what you have been told" ... it was hell.

In todays day and age you would never expect to hear a teacher ever speak like that, but it was all to common even with it being just over 20years ago.

My ability to read and write regressed so much that I couldn't even spell simple 3 letter words let alone count to 10 - It was again deemed I was lazy, but my mother noticed it could be something more. One of her friends who had their daughter recently tested for dyslexia told her about a form of dyslexia specifically for maths.

My mother fought for testing and I was officially diagnosed with Dyscalculia by the the end of the last year of junior school.

High School

When the time came to hit high school I knew I had to make a drastic change.. I didn't want to be that kid that was always picked on so I decided to change my look and my attitude. I changed the way I dressed, my behaviour became more shadowed and I started having identity issues. I went to a hairdressers with my longer then waist hair and demanded they cut it all off, I didn't want to have this weak exterior that everyone even adults picked on.

My identity issues really kicked off, I created what I now know was this super confident mask, a complete opposite personality.. I Even went as far as to dress in boys clothes just to have this butch exterior so no one bothered talking to me. I soon realised by year 8 it really didn't work as well as what I wanted it to, I was still an outcast and still subject to bullying. I remember one day I just snapped, I mean completely snapped. My mask had consumed me and from taking so much stick from fellow peers and teachers I just lost it one day and fort back.

A group of girls had been picking on me a lot and one day one of the girls barged past me... I snapped. I ended up punching this girl and then a scrap followed, we was surrounded by what felt like the whole school but I knew this was now or never, I had had enough. The girl ended up pretty hurt from that ideal but I had no remorse, it was like all forms of my empathy had just gone and I became someone else from that day forth. My behaviour changed RAPIDLY, I became a rebel and would constantly fight back towards peers and teachers, my reasoning had just gone. It got to the point that teachers just stopped trying with me.

From that day forth I got into trouble so much that I became feared by teachers and students, I was so over powered by anger that I wouldn't think twice about lashing out. As an adult I can understand why this happened and that's simply because as a socially awkward child with additional needs, I was pushed to the edge and I couldn't take it anymore; When teens or kids act out there is always a reason behind it.

Mental Health

It became such an impact on my life that I was sent to be assessed by our mental health team and it was there I was diagnosed as Schizophrenic.

I was misdiagnosed with the Psychotic disorder and was not diagnosed as my real conditions until I was in my early 20s - Autistic, ADHD & BPD.

I was put on several types of antidepressants, anti psychotics and mood stabilizers to battle my outrageous behaviour, which I now know counter reacted with my Neurological conditions.

When I say 'outrageous behaviour' I'm definitely speaking from an outside point of view here, to me even to this day I can describe exactly how I felt.. I was NUMB. Numb from positive emotions completely, all I had was anger and no empathy what so ever towards anything.

I no longer had anxiety or depression so having my super confident mask was easier to hide my social awkwardness. It was not until I was an adult that I soon learned that me 'snapping' was actually a massive form of lengthy disassociation combined with my undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder.

My raging hormones combined with an already cocktail of medication did something to my brain that made me experience the worst BPD Symptoms you could muster. I started hallucinating daily and a further 3 more voices joined in with the two internalised monologue voices I already had; As a kid I never knew that internalised monologue was a thing so I always assumed they were just voices. This became a serious battle and I turned to doing substances to dull my neurons so that I no longer would be effected by it.

Social Que's

As the rebellious teenager I was I spent the majority of my time in town with friends causing mischief, subsiding all our adolescent troubles with drugs and Alcohol. This group was my safe haven and self medicating with substances regained that enjoyment I had lacked since the day I disassociated. Finding my tribe really did help me in confidence, I was popular amongst the group and of course when attraction was the for focus, I was the one everyone wanted to be with. But this caused another set of problems..

I really had no clue about social ques (and still don't really) that any attention I gained I classed it as positive and that included adults not just people my own age. In reality I was preyed on by a hell of a lot of predators that I just thought it was normal. I would be having relations with guys that were 15years sometimes 20yrs older then me before I was even 15, I just didn't understand the problem. As an adult and mother myself, I can now easily understand what it was and what those men where they were predators.

Not long ago I was having a discussion about this with my best friend and we both said the reason girls like us fall to predatory behaviour is widely linked with neurodiversity and the need to be liked/adored due to past trauma. It couldn't be more true, and this was the beginning of what subject me to being stuck in a 10 years of hell.

Destruction

My unfortunate lack of understanding put me into the worst experience imaginable and this is how I became even more of a shell of the person I once was. At the age of 14 I began dating a guy a lot older then me and it subject me to 10 years of Abuse, isolation, R*pe, modern slavery and severe violence. I will not be sharing my story on this matter here but I will be talking about the effect it had on my neurodiversity and mental health.

From this experience I developed a extreme social anxiety and huge lack of understanding of how to adjust to todays society. Trauma itself is a non forgiving demon on a path of destruction, but tying it in with neurological conditions has really destroyed my life permanently. Its easy to say that things will get better for me but the reality is even when I can do the things I do, I am now too mentally disabled to cope with general life.

I have a thirst and knowledge to help others but due to the above situation, caring for myself has tremendous limits on what I'm capable with. Sometimes I think if it was only 1 or 5 years I might be able to one day beat my limitations but the reality is, it is far too gone for that and that is is no way self doubt speaking its purely factual.

I struggle daily with taking my medication - my husband prompts me or I forget.
I Find it hard going outside - I have Agoraphobia; Sometimes I can go out once a week, but then others it can be once every few months.
I struggle with Face to face communication - I cant work out peoples intentions and I panic.
Avoid going places I don't know.
Anxiety & depression - I go into states where I cant function, this is when I disappear from social media for months at a time.
Body dysmorphia - I've got something called appearance shifting, I change my weight a lot and even change the way I present myself and appearance; this coincides with my BPD and identity issues.

But even with these limitations I have still made a name for myself by doing things in my own way. I may not be reliable in terms of daily life due to how many mental health brakes I have, but reality is everything is possible even with disability's.

My life is far from simple and even with the fame it will never be enough to fix my internal battle. But I fight daily... not for me, but for my daughter.

She is the light that gives me purpose and inspires me daily in my fight to help others.

My dream is to create at least some impact on the world, no matter hiow small that may be - For Individuals with Neurological and/or Mental health conditions to never feel alone again in this fight for inclusivity.

We can create a safe place for our next generation.