School Refusal - Truth Unveild

Refusal, Defiance, Molly Coddled, Spoilt. These simple phrases get used at least once ion our lifetimes about our children whether its to our face or not, but did you know these phrases can become a regular occurrence for some parents? 

Today I'm here to speak about something I have actual personal experience with and hold these situations with great empathy towards parents going through the same thing. I'm going to be talking about something that is very much hidden from society and is very much rarely spoken about by professionals - School Refusal

- Before I brake into what it is, I do want to state that the term 'school refusal' is very much classed as a derogatory and very outdated term and when I write it as such it is for reference solely. I also personally do not agree with the term 'school avoidance' but will most likely reference this phrase for reference purposes only; It makes out that the child has a choice in whether they can attend or not, which they do NOT. (I will speak about this later on) 

Every parent at some point has experienced there child not wanting to go to school, whether that's delaying getting ready, causing a fuss, needing the toilet or even having to give there pet one last cuddle. This is a completely normal reaction and all children experience some Anxiety towards school. I think it's often forgotten that children experience the same emotions as us adults do, its almost as if we disregard it and class children as to inexperienced to have them. Crazy huh?

'School Refusal' or now commonly called School phobia or Emotionally-based School Avoidance (EBSA) is a completely different thing all together and much more complex then general Anxiety. When a child experiences school phobia it can be a lot of stress for the whole family and not just the child, for this reason I will be focusing a lot on ways to reduce the stress as well as explaining School Phobia thoroughly in one place.

What is School Phobia/EBSA?

School Phobia/EBSA is as what the name itself states, a phobia of school. When we talk about for instance a phobia of heights or spiders you can relate easier with those emotions and understand the intense fear it can cause, but why cant we with a phobia of school? Well, that's complex and is mainly to do with the 'robotic state' of todays society and how we have been conditioned to think a certain way, But I will delve a little more into this later on.

Unlike truancy, where children skip school without any genuine reason or permission, school phobia / EBSA is driven by underlying emotional distress or anxiety and unlike what some Articles Etc in the media say, it can happen at any age. For my daughter, she started presenting early signs in pre school and often would scream the place down leaving my side, I was always reassured that this was completely 'normal' even though she would not stop the whole duration of her attendance and by the time she was of school age it started presenting differently.

We started struggling to -

• Get her ready in the morning; We would battle putting clothes on her to then find she had removed them.
• Get her out of the door; It would be a nightmare! She would hide and run off, if we picked her up we would be hit or kicked.
• Get her Physically to school; Sometimes it would take us 3hrs for just a 10 minute walk as she would be having the worst meltdowns ever - screaming, running off, hitting, kicking, you name it.
• Get her in the school; Getting her into the school grounds became a big issue. We ended up over the course of a few months going in later and later arriving at the schools reception and having teachers peel her away from me.

Symptoms

It was hard to understand what was going on and I generally just put it down to her being on the spectrum and another set of hurdles that would pass. But now I look back these common symptoms for School phobia/EBSA were actually present at the time and I wish that there was more awareness to help our children. Children going through school phobia/EBSA usually complain of physical symptoms that prevent them from attending school and believe it or not they are actually telling the truth to you. 

Some of the common symptoms include:

• Stomach pain or nausea
• Headaches or migraines
• Vomiting or diarrhoea
• Dizziness or light-headedness
• Heart palpitations or rapid heartbeat
• Difficulty breathing or shortness of breath
• Sweating or trembling
• Fatigue or lethargy
• Muscle tension or pain
• Sleep problems or nightmares

Children may also exhibit behavioural symptoms, such as:

• Refusal to attend school or classes
• Excessive anxiety or worry about attending school
• Clinging behaviour or separation anxiety
• Tantrums, crying, or pleading to stay home
• Aggression or irritability
• Avoidance or withdrawal from social interactions
• Loss of interest in activities or hobbies
• Decline in academic performance
• Poor concentration or memory
• Difficulty completing schoolwork or homework

Below is a list of common steps that school phobia can present itself.

Please note - it doesn't always begin right at the top, it can begin at any point of these.

1. Being late to school
2. Missing a small number of lessons 
3. Occasional absences from school 
4. Increased sporadic absences/ notable pattern of absences
5. Prolonged nonattendance 
6. Child rarely leaves bedroom

As parents we are constantly tried and tested by our kids pushing boundaries and its very natural to think that our kids are just 'pushing it' or 'trying our  patience'. I was very much the same as every parent out there trying to find a quick fix and constantly trying to abide by the schools rules & wishes. It was hell, I could see my child getting worse and worse and it felt like there was nothing I could do.

Now what if I told you that by listening to the schools advice of 'just get her in' was actually the wrong thing to do? and by doing that it resulted in my daughter having a mental health crisis at age 6.

Causes

As I said earlier there is no single cause for School phobia/EBSA, but it can arise from a combination of factors, such as anxiety, depression, bullying, family problems, or trauma. I know how it sounds confusing huh? let me brake it down and explain it a lot more and add some real life scenarios into it. 

School Phobia can happen for a various range of different causes and some are much more easily understood then others. For instance these scenarios seem to be easiest to understand without much context being given -

"A child displays no forms of anxiety or trouble until they reach high school, They have been bullied by a group of children for months and it suddenly become physical. A altercation happens and the child is hurt, the child does not tell there parents or teachers  and the bullying has manifested into extreme measures. The child develops depression and Anxiety making them feel lost and without anyone to turn to. Their behaviour at home becomes toxic and have now developed a fear of school settings" 

This Example involves the child becoming afraid, anxious, nervous and fearful of the school setting because of bullying, resulting in school phobia. Here is another example -

"A female teenager in year 11 has previously suffered from heightened sense of anxiety during her early teens. GCSE Exams are in 5months time and the girls Anxiety has become more intrusive effecting daily life. Its becoming so severe that even the thought of school is making her ill, she has attended hospital 2x due to fatigue and fainting episodes. The girls illness has prevented her from attending the last 2months."

This Example explains a girl that is experiencing Anxiety to the point that there may be an underlining Mental health condition, it has been triggered by the pressure of school and upcoming exams resulting in a phobia of attending school.

These are just 2 examples of what can cause school phobia and as mentioned are the two easiest to understand as they have causes. In an ideal world if you removed them the phobia would be much more simpler to make disappear. Of course, in reality we have rules and social structures we have to abide by and as a result the situation is not as easy to fix. Sure, the teachers could exclude the bully's or the teen could wait it out until she is no longer required to attend, but the problem is the damage is done. Mental health does not fix itself over night and depending on a persons ability to over come trauma, something that may seem small to some can be huge to others. Now that we have discussed some examples of the more easier to understand scenarios, I'm now going to delve into the more complex side of things. 

During my daughters own battles, I received a Questionnaire to fill out by the Local Authority (my council), at this point she had been out of school for 4months by then. This questionnaire has multiple questions that then gives an end scale number which the school use to decipher why our kids are avoiding school. Of course me being the inquisitive Autistic individual I am, went online and found various research papers on the tool as well as the not so nice information papers that parents are not suppose to see but legally that have to be made public; these being the information provided by the government to give to the schools to make our children build a 'resilience', ill provide those gross links in the source section at the end. 

The tool itself is called 'The School Refusal Assessment Scale-Revised (SRAS-R)' developed by psychologists Christopher Kearney and Wendy Silverman. Whilst researching this 'tool' I came across the four category's which are to help show the root causes of School phobia/EBSA. I will admit I don't agree with the way the system is using this tool at all. I can see it being very helpful for parents to beat that horrible sense of dread we get not knowing what's wrong with our children or ways to help them. But unfortunately that's not the case and it takes wackos such as myself to discover and share it.

The reason I do not like the way the SRAS-R is used is because basically two of the category's can be misinterpreted as being solely the parents to blame which obviously is not the case, but to a teacher with no mental health / EBSA background it can very much appear to be the fault of the parent.

The following category's are as follows:

Emotionally Based School Avoidance

1. Avoiding things in school that lead to negative emotions (e.g. anxiety)
2. Avoiding difficult social situations, evaluations or judgements

Separation Anxiety

1. Gaining attention from significant others at home

Self-Determined Absence

1. Gaining rewarding things or activities outside of school
2. Parentally permissive absence (non attendance due to parent’s need)

These are the category's that the psychologists have made to determine what the child falls into when under the school avoidance profile.

Separation anxiety and self-determined absence in the information given to the schools is very much expressed as being caused by the parents and as you can tell without me explaining each profile things such as 'Gaining rewarding things or activities outside of school' could appear as 'the child's just spoilt and is in charge of the parents'. Can you see how easy that is to misinterpret? 

let me explain the true intentions of these results -

Emotionally based school avoidance

• Avoiding things in school that lead to negative emotions (e.g. anxiety) - It refers to the behaviour of avoiding certain aspects of school that lead to negative emotions, such as anxiety or stress. For example, a student may avoid going to school altogether or may refuse to attend classes or participate in certain activities. This can be due to a variety of factors, including academic struggles, conflicts with teachers or peers, or personal issues. When a student experiences negative emotions related to school, they may begin to feel overwhelmed and unable to cope with the demands of the school environment. 

• Avoiding difficult social situations, evaluations or judgements - Avoiding difficult social situations, evaluations, or judgments is an emotional response that can limit a person's ability to engage in certain activities or interactions. People may avoid these situations because they fear negative consequences, such as rejection, criticism, or failure. This fear can be rooted in past experiences, beliefs, or irrational thoughts about themselves or their abilities. For example, a person may avoid giving presentations because they fear being judged negatively by others or may avoid social situations because they feel uncomfortable or anxious around others.

In the case of avoiding things that lead to negative emotions, neurological disorders such as anxiety disorders, depression, Autism Spectrum or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) can cause individuals to experience heightened levels of negative emotions, leading to avoidance behaviours. For example, individuals with anxiety disorders may avoid school or social situations due to fear, worry, or panic.

Similarly, neurological disorders such as Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), Social Anxiety Disorder, or Schizophrenia can influence the avoidance of difficult social situations, evaluations, or judgments. People with ASD, for example, can have difficulty with communication, social interaction, and social cues, leading to anxiety, avoidance behaviours, and difficulties in social situations. 
These disorders can affect the neurological processes involved in emotion regulation, cognition, attention, and social cognition, leading to difficulties in processing and managing emotions, interpreting social cues, or perceiving social situations accurately. As a result, individuals with these disorders may be more likely to avoid certain situations or stimuli to manage negative emotions or reduce social discomfort.

Separation Anxiety

• Gaining attention from significant others at home - The child may seek attention from significant others at home, such as parents or siblings, in an attempt to manage their emotions and avoid going to school. Seeking attention from significant others at home can be a way for the student to cope with their anxiety or emotional distress, providing a sense of safety, comfort, and validation. For example, a student who has experienced bullying or social rejection at school may seek attention and affection from their parents as a way to cope with the emotional pain caused by these experiences. Similarly, a child experiencing separation anxiety or generalized anxiety disorder may seek attention and reassurance from their parents, leading to emotional school avoidance.

Self-Determined Absence

• Gaining rewarding things or activities outside of school - Emotionally based school avoidance can arise from sensory overload, social anxiety, executive functioning challenges, or other cognitive or emotional factors. In such cases, engaging in rewarding activities outside of school can provide a sense of relief from the stress and anxiety associated with school attendance. For example, an individual with autism may experience sensory overload in a noisy and crowded classroom. Engaging in a calming activity such as listening to music or playing with sensory toys outside of school can serve as a way to regulate emotions and cope with the sensory overload.

• For example, an individual with autism may experience sensory overload in a noisy and crowded classroom. Engaging in a calming activity such as listening to music or playing with sensory toys outside of school can serve as a way to regulate emotions and cope with the sensory overload.

• Parentally permissive absence (non attendance due to parent’s need) - Parentally permissive absence refers to the instances where parents permit their child to miss school due to the parent's own needs. Of course this can have a variety of different reasons as to why the parent has allowed the child to have a day off, it doesn't have to be solely based on the fact that a parent is neglecting the child and doesn't really care. It could be a honest case of that this particular day could be to much to handle. If the morning getting the child to school has been full of the child screaming, hitting and a complete nightmare, can you blame the parent wanting to focus on regaining there child's trust and to put the negativity to bed? Most definitely not. See when we think of it this way it is not just the parents needs in the form of mental health we are thinking of here, it also involves the child's as well and I'm sure you can now see how damaging this category can be for the parents who fall into it.

What I like to suggest to parents that are trying to decipher the cause is to sit down and write down any potential triggers, from the time the School phobia first started presenting to now. This could be something that happened at school, something that's happened in the family, any Neurological conditions or learning difficulty's they have ETC. 

Once you have this information set into either weeks or months it's easier to break it down to understand what the potential reasons can be and with this you can set into motion a plan to help your child.

Below is a few examples -

Trigger possibility's; Home life and school. - EXAMPLE ONE.

• Week one - Weekend visited there father, Started acting odd, stopped wanting to do favourite activity's. Still in school.
• Week two - Got sent home from school for bad behaviour, acting violent at home
• Week three - found out there fathers girl friend is pregnant.
• Week five to nine - non attendance at school, remains in room
• Possible behaviour change trigger - Fathers girlfriend having a baby, ADHD making their emotions 10x more heightened.

Trigger possibility's; Home life and school. - EXAMPLE TWO.

• Week one - Spoke of being alone in school, not fitting in, lessons are hard.
• Week two - Social anxiety appears worse, struggling to get child to school in the morning.
• Week three - Home life is now disrupted because child's emotions are very low.
• Week five to nine - Complete Burn out. 
• Possible behaviour change trigger - Neurological and social conditions making it hard for child to adjust to school environment, additional needs not being met academically or emotionally.

What I have come to see through out my extensive research is that the majority of School Phobia/EBSA Profiles are generally because of the child's needs not being met in the school environment; This generally falls into the neurological condition category and the mental health category. For children that have Special Educational Needs (SEN) the reality of having a great school that can meet all of them is very slim and sometimes it is not the fault of the Staff of the school itself. 

Some times the Staff themselves can be absolutely amazing and on the ball for catching difficulty's early on but then the system prevents them acting on it because of mass amounts of paperwork, funding and constant rejection for help from the system.

Unfortunately the majority of schools are more on a pay check 9-5 system so rather then it being child focused its just a job. As I've said before its not all teachers but the reality is the system has condition the whole way schools teach now and its simply statistics and check marks making it like dictatorship regime. 

For children that have underlining mental health and Neurological conditions (especially pre high school) a lot can be over looked and these children can end up ignored, that is unless they are so disruptive to the class that the teacher has to act. I know for myself having Autism (ASD), Dyscalculia, ADHD and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and having no additional help really caused long term issues and it was VERY hard at school. 

I was born with BPD rather then developed it, so I have never been able to regulate my emotions and having ASD & ADHD definitely did not help either. It was so hard as a kid during early years to high school, I was constantly depressed and anxious and everyone even teachers were mean to me. I would constantly sit alone on the playground, get called lazy or over reacting emotionally by teachers. It was hell and I myself resorted in asking my mother to collect me at lunch and brake times so that I could have some form of security.

By the time I hit High school my hormones went haywire with my conditions; I became a polar opposite on the outside but with the same feelings on the inside. I was so aggressive and extremely defiant, getting suspended over 9 times for fighting and walking out of classes because I couldn't deal with it. 

But you know what? Now as a Adult I can understand exactly why I was the way I was, my needs at school were not being met. I was struggling academically because of my dyscalculia, struggling socially and emotionally because of my BPD, ASD & ADHD and I had no help from the school to handle that. 

Its now apparent that I developed a form of School Phobia during my early years but it was a different time then and parenting was a lot more 'old school'. I believe that the trauma I had from not feeling safe as well as my needs not being met academically caused me to turn into this big ball of anguish and hatred during my hormonal teenage years. 

What I'm trying to say with this is that if needs are not met during those vital learning years it can really damage and have a long term effect on a person for the rest of there lives. It can effect relationships, friendships, goals, dreams, self esteem and of course long term mental health problems.

This is just one example I can give of what can happen from an adults perspective of the past if Additional needs are not being met. I have met various individuals that struggled with academics because they were thought to be just 'dumb' instead of having a learning difficulty, I for one still cannot do simple addition or tell the time. I've known of people that have struggled so much with sensory issues that they hid in the toilets throughout the whole duration of there school years and now struggle daily with social situations and day to day life.

The thing we need to realise here is that action needs to happen now or it will have a lasting effect into adulthood. The school years are the most vital years for learning and no I'm not talking about academically or even about kids being in a school setting. The vital learning from early years to the age of 18 should not include any of the stressful emotions that limit us in day to day life. This is teaching the children the opposite of what they need to learn and that is how to handle life. 

We send our children to schools to gain knowledge, not to gain insecurity's and damaging trauma that will cling on like a leech. 

Next I'm going to explain what many of you are currently living in right now and that is BURNOUT.

Burnout

The unfortunate reality is that many of you that are reading this have discovered School Phobia/EBSA at the point where it is far to late. The trauma and damage has already been done and the child you once knew is now a shell of them selves. When my daughter hit Burnout she became a shell, completely reserved, unwilling to eat or even muster the strength to get up from the same spot she resided in. It was the most heart-breaking thing I had ever witnessed and I wouldn't wish it on any parent or caregiver.

It was like a volcano of emotions had erupted and she had no fight left to give. Her Appearance was gaunt, she didn't want to eat and only wanted to lay in a dark room without any entertainment consumed by negativity. My once energetic monkey had become so depressed her selective mutism was fully in toe and I don't think she spoke a word for over a month. It was so bad even the mention of school or going out the front door would set her into an extreme anxiety response to the point she would faint with panic attacks. 

Enough was enough.

I sent an email so quick to the school saying she would no longer be attending until she was better quicker then you could say sausage. I was done. 

Listening to the School repeatedly tell me she was fine in school and that I should just bring her in no matter what had completely destroyed her. I had this massive Guilt because I didn't listen to my gut, I would beat myself up daily because I was the one that was meant to protect her but I allowed it to happen.

You see Burnout from EBSA/School phobia is a state of physical and mental exhaustion that results from dealing with chronic stress associated with a school setting, then of course you throw in Mental Health and/or neurological conditions to make it a million times worse.

Some symptoms of burnout are -

1. Lack of Motivation: Children may experience a sense of detachment from themselves and other activities they used to enjoy even before the onset of EBSA.

2. Physical symptoms: Burnout can lead to physical symptoms such as fatigue, headaches, Stomach aches, Anxiety based Seizures, fainting spells and nausea. 'my head hurts' 'I feel sick' 'my tummy hurts' are common phrases.

3. Negative emotions: Children may experience feelings of depression, hopelessness, and anxiety that are more intense.

4. Difficulty Sleeping and Decreased Appetite: Stress resulting from EBSA may lead to trouble sleeping and reduced interest in food, this is generally down to depression.

5. Decreased immune system: leading to frequent illness or infections, this can present in cold sores, common colds, tonsilitis and other viral infections.

6. Increased Irritability: Some children can become more irritable and short-tempered with peers and family.

7. Increased heart palpitations: chest pain, Raised blood pressure, Rapid heartbeat, sweating, or trembling

8. Intrusive thoughts - Suicidal, self harming, low self worth

These symptoms can have a major impact on an individual's ability to attend school and complete academic tasks let alone daily life. Of course these symptoms vary and every individual is different some may have many or little of these symptoms. 

But as you can tell for obvious reasons these symptoms should not be taken lightly and can have very serious devastating effects for the child and there families.

Please remember - Your child does not have a choice if they can go to school or not, it is a CANT not WONT. Mental health is not a MYTH it is a life changing REALITY.

NFIS & Squarepegs

Whilst researching different symptoms etc I came across a website called Not fine in school (NFIS) and SquarePegs (ill attach the links in the sources below), two whole websites dedicated to spreading awareness that School Phobia/EBSA was a real thing and that there are thousands of parents around the globe going through the same thing. It was the most Oddest feeling knowing we was not alone, I joined NFIS Facebook group and read various posts about others going though similar situations. I must of binge read various posts on the group and then I finally decided to reach out.

You know what the best advice I ever got was?

"DO NOT SEND YOUR CHILD TO SCHOOL, THE SCHOOL ARE MAKING HER ILL! The school are damaging your child's mental Health and making them ill you do not need to send your child to school. They have no power over you or your child!"

This was the First time it hit me.. They were right and still are. In todays society we are fed to believe that being in a school environment is a must and if we don't we will be punished, fear mongering at its finest.

But I'm here to tell You, you know your child more than any other person does and that THEY HAVE NO AUTHORITY OVER BOTH OF YOU.

Your Childs rights

Your probably wondering what I mean by this so let me explain, the only rule in regards to education is that a child needs some form of education, that's it. Did you know its not actually mandatory to keep kids in a school setting as long as your providing them an education? Crazy right? The only risk you have is obviously loosing the placement your child has at that school.

So you know that constant fear you had about fines and going to prison, well it actually only applies to people that have kept there kids out of school in the form of truancy. 

The reason your child is not at school is because they are in mental health crisis and that means they are unwell. That's right, unwell. Not being defiant or going through a phrase of being the nightmare child, your child is UNWELL.  Mental health is an illness and with illnesses the child is covered by Authorised absence.

But some parents do slip through the net and its generally because they haven't been prepared for the 'just in case' scenario. There are sour and vindictive people out in our world and sometimes these types of people get jobs in school settings resulting in them spreading there malice on the parents in the forms of reporting them for truancy.

It happens, people in life can be disgusting and that's why in this blog I will make sure I cover a section with a checklist to make sure you are covering your backs so you cant be gaslight or parent blamed in this already stressful situation.

If the unthinkable does happen, and a parent comes to court and claims the child has a mental illness/disability or is being investigated for it as the reason for the school absence, the judge will want physical evidence to show that the child is going through as the parent says. If the parent does not have any proof then legally you cannot claim the absence being of 'medical/disability illness' which is covered by the 'disability discrimination and equality act 2010'. This is why it is vital to seek out the appropriate professionals even if the professionals don't give you the answer your looking for its still then on record and can be used as proof.

Under the Disability Discrimination and Equality act 2010, Mental health is considered a disability and within right if you remove your child from attendance because of health reasons by law they cannot penalise you or give you fines etc. but you must co-operate and remain civil with the school or you can risk what you are fighting for. I know it all appears scary but you are your child's voice so do not allow it to be squashed.

Co-Existing conditions 

EBSA is often linked with co-existing disorders, such as anxiety disorders, depression, ADHD, or autism spectrum disorder. It is because individuals with such disorders may have difficulties coping with emotionally laden situations, especially when the situation is related to their school environment. 

For instance, individuals with anxiety disorders may experience excessive fear and worry about attending school, interacting with peers, or speaking in class, leading to school phobia. Similarly, individuals with depression may lack the motivation to attend school or participate in activities and may feel a sense of hopelessness, leading to an overall negative experience of school.

In contrast, individuals with ADHD or autism may struggle with sensory and social overload, making attending, and participating in school extremely challenging. The environment may be overwhelming for them, resulting in withdrawal behaviour.

For instance, a study published in the Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders found that individuals with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) were more likely to experience EBSA than neurotypical individuals. Another study published in the journal ADHD Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorders found that adolescents with ADHD were more likely to experience school-related anxiety and to avoid school altogether.

Additionally, studies show that comorbid conditions like anxiety and depression are relatively common among neurodivergent individuals and may also contribute to EBSA. For instance, a study in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry found that individuals with ASD and comorbid anxiety disorders were more likely to experience school phobia/EBSA.

It is important to acknowledge that EBSA can affect anyone regardless of neurodivergence or not. However, individuals with neurodivergence / comorbid mental health conditions are more at risk and require a more flexible educational approach with SEN being met due to their unique needs.

Many times parents and there children may be unaware of any underlining neurological condition and this is not because the child is ignored, its simply because so many symptoms can overlap each other making everything more complex. My daughter for instance has -

• Global development delay
• Pathological Demand Avoidance (A form of Autism)
• ADHD
• Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
• Depression
• CPTSD

Now these conditions alone all overlap each other and you couldn't say that she presents as solely being like just one condition, this can leave a lot of question marks when it comes to EBSA that we may question whether its down to just the conditions itself. I've come to find that having additional conditions really does make developing EBSA more likely and it intensifies the anxiety disorder itself. 

As a whole, a person with my daughters profile is always going to be prone to intense anxiety responses, this is because each of the conditions they have comes with its own intense anxiety response.

Neurological disorders make Anxiety responses and general emotions at least 10x more heightened then a neurotypical persons. 

For example -

"A person broke there mothers favourite tea pot, they tell there mum immediately and the mother reassures them its no big deal."

• A neurotypical emotional response would be - feeling guilty and embarrassed but after mothers reassurance the emotions disperse.
• A neurological or/and a mental health condition emotional response would be - Feeling utter despair, guilty, chronic embarrassment, ashamed, the world is going to end, racing thoughts, sadness.

As you can see having a neurological or/and mental health condition, can make a minor situation have a massive intense negative emotional response. Imagine if the person has Co-Morbid mental health conditions like anxiety and depression (Fact - many people with neurological conditions do also have a co-existing mental health condition) as well as a/some neurological condition, just imagine how that person feels? They would be in utter torment and despair. 

I hope you can see how stressful this can be for people with neurological and mental health conditions just doing day to day life can be a constant battle in that persons mind, I know for myself personally even if a person looks at me with a side eye I think they hate me and despise my existence and this is only because of how my brain is wired not that it may be reality. 

Now imagine being a child with these conditions, 

• teachers have authority over you because you are a child and your natural response is 'yes sir, no sir'. 
• Imagine how much pressure consumes you because your unable to defy what a teacher says, if you do you will get punished for being bad. 
• Your sitting in a loud classroom and you've been struggling to do your work but your afraid to ask for help because you will bring attention to yourself and stand out as different. 
• Imagine rules feeling so strict that you cant even process your own senses properly and there is no way to escape. 
• Your brain was made different and you really cant understand most of the social cues from teachers or peers, this may get you in trouble for being inappropriate.
• You confront a teacher for security and reassurance but they dismiss your worry's and make you feel silly or daft.
• You try to befriend your peers but they ignore you, or your playing with your best friend in the whole world but the reality is they are not your friend and never have been. You just follow them around and misunderstood the social cues, one day they verbally tell you to go away and it breaks your heart.

This is what its like for these children, a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. We send children to school to learn but from such a young age they are thrown into a mix of survival and independence without guidance. Obviously some children thrive easily but for those that have additional needs there really is not much guidance, its just 'deal with it' or simply learn from others around them, which we know as SEN parents is not always the best influence.

Children learn the emotion of negative self worth because of what is happening around them or to them. They are not born that way and unless they have had bad experiences within a abusive household then this is typically learnt at school. These days the age of bullying and unacceptance has begun at a much younger age. 

I was appalled to learn that children during reception and year 1 age had already begun segregating the 'misfits' from the popular kids; This behaviour began normally towards year 5 when I was younger. These days the social hierarchy has already begun when our kids minds are far to young to understand what is happening as well as the emotions they are experiencing. There of course is nothing we can do to prevent this because the system are essentially making kids grow up far to fast. This in itself is another reason EBSA/School phobia is beginning a lot younger then the high school years and it is having tremendous effect on our kids mental health.

Additional help for SEN Children

Children with special educational needs (SEN) require additional support to help them achieve their full potential. It is essential for them to receive the right additional help to ensure that they can access the curriculum, learn at their own pace, and develop skills. Without appropriate support, children with SEN may struggle to progress academically, socially, and emotionally, which often leads to EBSA.

Getting the right additional help for children with SEN can be life-changing. The provision of specialized support, such as speech and language therapy, occupational therapy, or specific tutoring like smaller groups and having a one to one, can help children with SEN develop the skills and confidence they need to thrive in school and beyond.

The right additional help for children with SEN also involves taking a person-centred approach to their education. This means tailoring support to their unique needs and interests, and involving them in decisions about the support they receive. 

Unfortunately, many schools still believe and propagate the outdated notion that children need a formal diagnosis to access extra support via special educational needs and disability (SEND) funding. The problem with this line of thought is that it creates a tremendous disadvantage for children who struggle with any learning, social, or behavioural difficulties that may not, for whatever reason, meet the diagnostic criteria for any particular learning disability or neurodevelopmental condition. Therefore, the provision of adequate extra help will be delayed or denied to these children, which is detrimental to their immediate and future well-being.

The truth is that a diagnosis is NOT required to get additional support via SEND funding. 

Schools should have mechanisms in place to identify and assess children’s additional and special educational needs, regardless of whether or not they have a formal diagnosis. Most importantly, every child deserves fair and equal access to educational opportunities, regardless of their disability or special needs.

The problem with undiagnosed children is that sometimes school staff may focus more on their personal opinions rather than relying on professional observations and evaluations. They may believe that a child is just "slow" or "lazy" without considering that there may be underlying learning difficulties that need to be addressed. This position can be damaging not only to the child but also to their academic progress, as well as their emotional and social well-being.

It is disgusting that there can be a tendency for some educators to generalize a child's struggles as a lack of effort or motivation. The failure to recognize and address the challenges faced by these children can lead to low self-esteem, disengagement from learning, sense of hopelessness and of course EBSA. Often, children end up suffering in silence or risk falling behind their peers, which can have long-lasting consequences.

Instead, teachers need to work closely with families, other professionals, and relevant agencies to identify and support undiagnosed children's needs. Adopting an inclusive pedagogical approach that recognizes and respects the diversity of students' learning styles and abilities will go a long way in building an inclusive learning environment.

Different types of funding for SEND

There are different types of funding that children with special educational needs and disabilities (SEND) can access to enhance their learning experience and meet their specific needs. These funding sources are usually provided by the government to support schools and families in delivering the necessary interventions and accommodations required to support learners with learning difficulties. Some of the most common types of funding children can receive include:

Pupil premium funding and Dedicated schools grant (DSG) -

These are both crucial sources of funding for schools, particularly for those looking to provide support for SEND children. The money schools receive from these funding sources is meant to be used to enhance the educational experience, academic progress, and well-being of disadvantaged students, including those with SEND. However, there have been concerns about how schools use this funding, and whether it effectively reaches SEND children.

One issue is that the funding received from both sources, along with other funding allocated to schools, is often not distributed proportionally to the pupils who need it the most. Instead, the funds are lumped into one big pot for the school as a whole, with no specific direction as to how the money should be used, or who should benefit from it. As a result, the money may end up being used for general school-related expenses, such as building maintenance and staff salaries, rather than targeted interventions to support SEND students.

According to a report by the National Audit Office (NAO) in 2016, only a minority of schools had a clear and detailed strategy for how they would be spending pupil premium funding to support disadvantaged and SEND children. The report found that a significant proportion of the funding allocated to schools was NOT reaching disadvantaged pupils, and some schools spent it inappropriately by reducing class sizes or hiring additional staff without considering the impact on pupil outcomes. 

Similarly, a survey conducted by the National Association of Head Teachers (NAHT) found that a considerable number of schools were using the pupil premium funding to balance their overall school budget or to fund specific curriculum areas without considering the needs of disadvantaged and SEND pupils. 

Another report by Ofsted in 2018 noted that while some schools were able to demonstrate effective use of the pupil premium funding to improve outcomes for pupils eligible for free school meals, pupils with SEND were still not always afforded the same attention or care. 

Additionally, over the years, several media articles have reported on how the lack of clarity over how pupil premium funding and DSG should be used has resulted in schools utilizing this funding to cover general expenses instead of focusing on the needs of SEND students. 

Individual Pupil Resourcing Allocation (IPRA) - 

An Individual Pupil Resource Allocation (IPRA), on the other hand, is a targeted funding mechanism that may be used by mainstream schools to provide additional support or resources for children with additional needs that cannot be met through the school's existing resources. The purpose of an IPRA is to ensure that children with additional needs have access to the support and resources required to achieve their full potential in mainstream education.

The specific support and resources covered by an IPRA can vary depending on the needs of the child. Examples of support and resources that may be covered by an IPRA include:

- Specialist equipment, such as adapted chairs or tables

- Additional staffing, such as teaching assistants or specialist support staff

- Specialist interventions or therapies, such as speech and language therapy or behavioural support

The allocation of an IPRA is based on an assessment of the child's needs and the support required to meet those needs. The amount of funding available for an IPRA is determined by the school's local authority, and the allocation is subject to annual review.

An IPRA can potentially provide additional resources and support that can help address EBSA, but the specific support will depend on the child's individual needs.

For example, the additional funding from an IPRA may be used to provide specific interventions and support, such as counselling or pastoral care, to help the child address the underlying emotional issues that are causing them to EBSA. It may also be used to provide additional learning and social support, such as one-to-one tutoring or mentoring.

In addition, an IPRA may be used to provide additional resources and equipment that can help support the child's needs, such as sensory resources, adapted seating or desks, or other accommodations that can help them feel more comfortable and engaged in the classroom.

An Education, Health and Care Plan (EHCP) -

In addition to an IPRA, an Education, Health and Care Plan (EHCP) can also be helpful in addressing Emotionally Based School Avoidance (EBSA). An EHCP is a legally binding document that sets out a child or young person's special educational needs, health needs, social care needs, and outcomes, along with the support and resources required to meet those needs. An EHCP can be particularly helpful in addressing EBSA because it takes a holistic approach to the child's needs, addressing not just their educational needs but also their health and social care needs.

An EHCP can be used to create a tailored plan of support that addresses the underlying emotional issues contributing to EBSA. This can include accessing specialist therapies or interventions. It can also be used to provide additional learning support, such as one-to-one tutoring, and to ensure that the child has access to any necessary accommodations or adaptations to support their needs.

Like an IPRA, the development of an EHCP requires close collaboration and communication between the child, their family, school staff, and relevant external professionals. An EHCP is reviewed annually to ensure that it continues to meet the child's needs, and the child and their family have the right to appeal decisions made by the local authority regarding assessments, plans, and the provision of resources and support.

History & Research

The term "school refusal" was first used in the late 1940s by a child psychologist named Fritz Redl. He used it to describe a clinical condition he observed in some children who had difficulty attending school because of emotional factors. Later, the term was refined and popularized by other researchers and clinicians who recognized it as a distinct pattern of behaviour in children who consistently avoid attending school or have difficulty staying in school. Today, 'school refusal' is a recognized clinical diagnosis in mental health and educational settings, and it is a significant concern for parents, educators, and mental health professionals.

One area of research has focused on identifying the factors that contribute to School phobia/EBSA and as I have covered earlier, anxiety, depression, neurological factors, bullying and negative school experiences play a massive part in developing School Anxiety based conditions.

One of the most commonly recommended treatments is cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT). CBT is a type of talk therapy that helps children  learn to manage their emotions and develop there own unique coping strategies to deal with stress related triggers; I will be including a massive section about CBT later on. 

To be able to understand what's going on and why EBSA happens we need to delve into the history of the school system and why EBSA is more present in todays day and age, lets go.

The true reason - school systems

In the United Kingdom, the idea of free education has a long history but I will keep it brief and to the point; this will seem like a massive conspiracy but a simple google will confirm what I'm saying is true and no this is not just me hating on the government as the feisty activist I am this is purely factual.

The UK first introduced free primary education for all children in 1870 with the Elementary Education Act, which required local authorities to provide enough school places to meet the needs of their communities. The aim of the Act was to ensure that all children had access to an education, regardless of their social or economic background. However, it is not exactly difficult to understand why the government have suddenly decided that primary aged child should have a basic education.

let me brake it down for you, during the past it was not uncommon for charities, the church or good wealthy people to create there own forms of free education being 'goodwill'. The purpose of this drastic change in the 1870's to offer all poor and working class children free primary education was solely due to the fact of the The Industrial Revolution. 

Here's a brief summary of what it was -

The Industrial revolution began in the UK in the late 18th century, around the 1760s, and continued through to the mid-19th century. It was a period of significant economic, technological, and social transformation that had a profound impact on the world. The Industrial Revolution was characterized by the introduction of new manufacturing processes, powered by the use of steam engines and other machines, that led to a significant increase in the production of goods. This had a major impact on the UK's economy, transforming it from an agricultural-based economy to one based on manufacturing and industry. The growth of industry also led to significant changes in society, including urbanization, changes in the nature of work, and shifts in social and economic power. The Industrial Revolution had a major impact on the UK and led to significant changes in nearly every aspect of life.

So as you can tell there was a massive boom for the UK we were thriving in the art of invention, medicine and all other things we take for granted these days. The Industrial revelation produced more work that was not focused on the typical agricultural Brittan and the work needed people who were literate. We were often fooled to think the government in the 1870s made education free for primary aged children purely to make society better, but if you think about it this was not the case.

It was a big government business ploy. How so you ask? let me explain.

• During 1802 the factory Act restricted child workers aged 9-16 to 12hrs per day which made employers have to provide education out of there own pocket.
• Jobs became more intelligence based then just manual labour between 1800-1870s.
• The government realised that by raising taxes and providing free education in the 1870's to primary aged children, they would effectively be creating literate disposable child workers.
• Child workers would be cheaper to pay then if they were to teach Adults to become literate. 
• The likelihood of child workers surviving to adult hood was slim, they were disposable.
• Due to big baby booms amongst the lower and working class, Parents would do all they could so those children could gain the free education and help there family's income.
• The minimum age for employment was not gradually raised to 14 until between 1891 and 1918..
• Child labour laws was not abolished until the 1930s making the prior minimum age of 14 just being a guide line..
• That an astonishing 60 years of mostly literate child labourers...

By 1944, (yes only 1944) the Education Act established a 'universal system' of free education in England and Wales, which was extended to Scotland and Northern Ireland in the following years. 

Hold up, can anyone remember the most troubling time that came to an end in 1945? Ah yes, World War II. Many people from all walks of life lost there lives in the war and there was a decrease in general population, many propaganda at the time was to influence families to grow bigger and have plenty of children. The problem was there now was not a social hierarchy between rich, poor and middle class, everyone was effected by the war and for once everyone was somewhat mutual in society. Now this couldn't do could it? The people had more control then the government, everyone was still effected by the revolution of war and had more courage to fight back the system. So what did the government do to create a social hierarchy again? well it was this..

"The universal system of free education in the UK in 1944 was introduced by the Education Act of that year, also known as the Butler Education Act. This was a major reform of the education system in the UK that aimed to provide education for all children, regardless of their background or social status. 

The Act established a three-tier education system, consisting of primary, secondary, and further education. It also introduced the concept of compulsory education up to the age of 15, replacing the previous legal requirement that children attend school until the age of 14.

The Butler Education Act created a new type of school called the grammar school, which was intended to provide a rigorous academic education to children who had passed the 11+ exam. The Act also provided for secondary modern schools, which offered a more practical, vocational education to children who hadn't passed the 11+.

The Act also created a new type of school, a technical school, which aimed to provide education in technical subjects such as engineering and science. Finally, the Act expanded the provision of free school meals for children from low-income families." 

Hang on? A Three tier system? This sound familiar doesn't it? That's right the 'high status' individuals such as nobles, mega rich folk had become in short decline due to the war.. So the system decided to create a Free education system based on intelligence and a social hierarchy was once again created with poor, middle class and rich. By joe! they did it again! Used the peoples dreams of giving there children a future and created a great divide. 

Later on, this system was 'simplified' into comprehensive schools that aimed to educate children of all abilities under one roof, technically controlling how many intelligent people got through the door of social hierarchy. You see they found that they had way to many smarty pants making it through the ranks causing a unbalance in the structure.

Your probably wondering what does this have to do with EBSA? Well the thing is the Education that we know has been heavily controlled by the government and everything that our children and ourselves have been taught have been strategically planned. 

There are many factors that could contribute to the perception that education in the UK over the past 10 years has become more focused on a rigid regime, rather than on caring about the kids' education. One possible reason is the increasing emphasis on standardized testing and league tables, which has resulted in schools prioritizing exam results over other aspects of education. 

Another factor could be the pressure to meet government targets and achieve high rankings in performance tables, which has led to a focus on attaining high grades rather than on personalized teaching and learning. This pressure can create a stressful and competitive environment for students, teachers, and staff, and could add to the fact that the education system is more concerned with outcomes than with the needs of individual learners.

Additionally, cuts to education funding over the past 10 years could have contributed to the deterioration of the quality of education received by some students. Budget cuts can result in overloaded classrooms, staff shortages, and reduced resources, which can negatively impact the quality of teaching and learning. The reason the system do this is very straight forward, its control to make sure that the people are only within arms reach of what they need so that they are then constantly dependent on the system. This could lead to a more regimented approach to teaching, where teachers feel pressured to focus on delivering a standardized curriculum rather than tailoring their teaching to the needs and interests of individual students.

Overall, the reasons for a more rigid and regimented education system in the UK is because of those individuals sitting on there high horse in the system without a understanding of psychology, SEN and have no regards to humanity. Those that end up being in charge of the education department mainly have a background in business and finance, after all you never see a person of SEN or mental health standing on the podium.. we are the ones in the streets with placards fighting for better rights.

Tips for dealing with the school 

• Talk to the school, your going to want to keep communication professional and keep all anger at bay. I know how easy it is to get to the point you just want to explode, but please don't for the sake of your mission. Keep your composure and be the warrior you are. If you can make sure everything is via email, I cant stress this enough but the amount of times I've had them say one thing on the phone and then suddenly forget or change there minds is ridiculous.

• Set up a meeting, If you haven't had an initial meeting already to discuss your concerns and for you both to talk about the situation then this needs to be done. My next step if you haven't already is to ask for a Team around the family meeting (TAF), the reason I recommend them is because every professional you have involved with your child is at this meeting and you all can discuss issues, concerns, referrals, plans you name it, it gets discussed here. Another good thing is you are showing your continued engagement as well as communication, oh .. and its all recorded (another bit of paper trail for your files).

• Answer their calls, please don't ignore them it can cause a lot of hassle and make you look like your not engaging.

• Home visits, Whilst your child is on roll the school has a duty of care to make sure your child is okay and will do home visits; Don't take offense its just something they have to do for paper works sake. They do not however need to enter your home unless they have safe guarding concerns, a simple hello from your child at the front door is enough.

• Reporting absence, When it comes to reporting the absence of your child you need to word it the right way or it can be used negatively against you. If you put things like for example - my child is refusing to come in, they are not well, they are being bullied, I cant get them to school - these reasons are not classed as valid. If your school records absence by telephone call The best thing to do is say "my child is not attending due to unmet needs" or "My child is to unwell to attend due to mental health crisis". You will also need to email the school with the exact same thing so you have it as proof on your records. If Your school uses an APP like Study bugs for instance, you can just put mental health illness as reason for non attendance.

• Keep your own records, You are going to become your child's best solicitor, spokesman, sectary, voice, you name it.. your going to need to start filing everything and I mean everything. NFIS has referenced some great blogs to help you get started and to understand the importance of keeping a paper trail ill put the links here > Link one , Link two

• Check the Schools Policy's, You need to head on over to your schools site and read every single policy that the school has, why? Because it can be some of the best leverage you can use if you have a bad school and they are malice towards you and your child.

• Request all information, If your school is a bad school and you have a feeling the teachers have been up to no good in regards to you and your child you can actually request that the school provide you with all information on both of you. This can be email conversations between the teachers with yours and/or your child's name in it, files, letters/ emails to professionals, everything. This request is called a Subject access request (SAR) you can find more information about it here > Click here

For further advice on how to deal with the schools please visit NFIS website as they really are the Pro's dealing with schools!

Click here >    NFIS Advice for families and dealing with the school

Getting Help

First of all as I said before you need to arrange a meeting with the school, this is a must, remember you must engage if your intending to keep your child on roll. 

Next contact your GP and get an appointment for your child. If your child does not want to go you can go on there behalf and obviously explain that there Anxiety is preventing them from leaving the house. Make sure you have a list with you of all current symptoms and a diary of events that has led to this point; a list really does help you not to forget what to ask and as this is the first point of contact you really need to make everything clear.

The Doctor can -

• Support and advice: The doctor can offer advice and support to the child and the family. They can provide strategies for coping with anxiety/depression and other issues that may be impacting the child's mental health.

• Refer to mental health services: Your doctor can refer your child to Mental Health services like CAMHS, but do not worry if they do not you can ask the school or make a self referral yourself.

• Keep a record: The Doctor will record the appointment and everything you have spoke about in regards to your child, this is a form of your proof of EBSA.

Next you need to contact CAMHS, they include a range of mental health professionals, including psychiatrists, psychologists, nurses, social workers, and occupational therapists, who work together to offer a variety of services to young people and their families; This is also another paper trail for your records.

• Make contact, As I said earlier you can get a referral via a doctor or the school, but you also can make a self referral for your child. > Click here for CAMHS referral  

CAMHS Can -

• Do Assessments, CAMHS can assess the child's mental health and identify any underlying mental health conditions such as anxiety or depression which may be contributing to their school avoidance.

• Therapy and counselling, CAMHS can provide a range of therapies, such as cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT), family therapy, and individual counselling, to help children develop coping strategies and overcome their emotional challenges.

• Medication management, If appropriate, CAMHS can also prescribe medication to help manage anxiety, depression, or other underlying mental health conditions.

• Support for parents/guardians, CAMHS can offer support and guidance to parents/guardians to help them understand their child's emotional challenges and develop strategies to support their child's mental health needs.

• Referral to other specialist services, If necessary, CAMHS can also refer the child to other specialist services, such as occupational therapy, speech and language therapy, or educational psychologists.

Specialist Charities are another life line that I recommend for getting advice and help, with the majority of them having a 24hr advice and help line. They provide invaluable specialist knowledge and expertise, access to support for children and young people, and resources to parents.

Different Charities -

• SENDIASS: The Special Educational Needs and Disabilities Information Advice and Support Services (SENDIASS) offer information, advice and support for parents and carers of children and young people with special educational needs and disabilities (SEND). SENDIAS services can support children, young people and their families on a range of issues including: school exclusions; EHC Needs Assessments; supporting conversations with a school or local authority; representation at SEND tribunals. > Click here to find your local SENDIASS

• SOS!SEN: They have been supporting families for 20 years to help them secure the right special educational provision for children and young people with SEND. They offer specialist legal advice for all SEND cases. > Click here for SOS!SEN

• IPSEA: Independent Provider of Special Education Advice (known as IPSEA)IPSEA offers free and independent legally based information, advice and support to help get the right education for children and young people with all kinds of special educational needs and disabilities (SEND). > Click here for IPSEA

• YoungMinds: YoungMinds is dedicated to promoting positive mental health and challenging the stigma that is often associated with mental health issues. They offer a range of services, including the provision of information, online resources, helplines, and campaigning for improvements to mental health services for children and young people in the UK. > Click here for YoungMinds

• CONTACT: provides support and advice for families with disabled children. Contact's mission is to deliver practical and emotional help to families with disabled children, enabling them to have a greater quality of life, and to campaign for better policies and services that benefit disabled children and their families. They provide a range of services, including a telephone helpline, online resources, peer support, and face-to-face support groups. > Click here for CONTACT
  

A thorough understanding of EBSA can help you to recognize the symptoms and warning signs of the condition and get the help your child needs early enough. Researching EBSA can also help you to identify the most effective Plan of action tailored to your child. By gaining a deeper understanding of the condition, you can work alongside your child to develop coping mechanisms and strategies that can be used to manage anxiety.

Websites for Research -

• NFIS

• Squarepegs

• YoungMinds

• BeyondAutism

Authors & Books -

We all know how incredibly frustrating it is trying to get reassurance that we are doing right by our children. Fortunately, there are many resources available for parents, including books written by other parents and psychologists.

These books provide a wealth of information and insight on how to manage emotionally based school avoidance. They offer practical tips and strategies on how to create a positive and supportive environment for your child. They also provide you with a better understanding of the underlying causes of school avoidance and how you can help your child overcome these issues.

Some Authors & books I recommend -

Dr Naomi Fisher

• A different way to learn: Neurodiversity and self-directed Education

Eliza Fricker

• Can't Not Won't: A Story About A Child Who Couldn't Go To School

Heidi Mavir

• Your Child is Not Broken: Parent Your Neurodivergent Child Without Losing Your Marbles

I mentioned earlier how being able to speak to various other parents helped me to get through and decipher a lot of School related issues as well as mental health ones. Having the ability to be able to communicate with people that get it is so enlightening. I Highly recommend reaching out to these groups!

Find comfort in communities -

• Click here for NFIS Facebook Group

Strategies and coping skills 

When it comes to being able to come up with different strategies and coping skills for your children you really need to delve deep to understand what your child is feeling. As I mentioned earlier you need to find the route of the trigger before starting any building for your child's mental health.

My Daughter for instance was in complete burnout and when this happens it is best to just eradicate all triggers and treat each day as a comfy pyjama day. No really, take away all pressures and responsibility's that child may have and just let them relax. When a child's mental health has been effected to the point they cant function properly there is no possibility of the child beginning the healing process until that period has become less intense.

Once your child begins to be able to show signs of themselves again, then you can introduce using therapy techniques to help them adjust again to life.

I can only offer the knowledge I have that I adapted specifically for my daughter. I must make you aware that obviously I am not a psychologist and hold no formal degree what so ever.

I myself have had all forms of therapy for my own conditions and that has led me to research extensively to adapt it to a child's needs. 

I'm just an autistic individual that's mind stores information and knowledge that I don't necessarily need sometimes. That being said I really do hope these techniques can help you and your own child. 

My Top tips for Burnout/Depression stage -

• Listen to your child, listen to anything they want to tell you and if they don't wish to speak DO NOT force them into talking.

• Make them feel as comfortable as possible, treat everyday as a pyjama film day. If they want to be alone in there room let them, don't be so much in there face that you become a hinderance. Be there for them. Bring them in a drink or snack thorough out the day and just reassure them that you are there for them.

• Take away all responsibility's, that means if they have chores to do or homework etc it does not exist anymore. You can expect a poorly child to do anything like this so what's the difference if there poorly because of mental health?

• Do not mention the triggers, or anything about the past weeks or months that led to this point it will only bring on additional trauma responses. As for school? Its the DEVIL and the most offensive SWEAR WORD out there, DO NOT mention it. School and anything associated with it has now become forbidden in your household; trust me its for the best.

• Laughs, Jokes and love, you want to make your child giggle because as they say laughter is the best remedy, no seriously, scientifically even small boosts of dopamine and serotonin is beneficial. I'm not saying you have to tell knock knock jokes every hour like its a new form of medicine, I'm meaning drop that Adult mask we have to put on be silly for once and just both enjoy the small things together. Your child needs your love more then ever.

• Do not force them out the door if a child has developed a anxiety based on going out as well you really should not force them out its going to make there mental health so much worse. They will return to going out again but for now please be patient.

• Remember to breathe, you must remember to give yourself some down time too and remember the outside world does not exist right now its just you and your child.

• Start making arrangements with work and child sitting, I'm not going to sugar coat it, work life is going to change for you and there is a possibility that yourself or another may have to take leave off work. Burnout can last weeks, months or YEARS and you really need to be prepared for this to take a while. Discuss with your employer what's happening with your child and see if you can get set shifts, time off or any other adjustments that can help. if your child's not able to be by themselves find someone that can watch them for a few hours. The reality is there may be a possibility that you will need to give up work, but please don't let this discourage you from helping your child we have a benefits system for a reason. Just remember that your child means more and a job can come again, they need you right now and if its anything as severe as what happened with my daughter then they really need you. Do not loose them over money when there is help out there to support you with it.

This process may take weeks or months until you may see signs of them again and you must remain patient. Do not rush it, remember trauma clings and you need this to be a smooth processes rather then one that leaves a permanent dent.

When you see signs of healing you then can start introducing therapy BUT this doesn't mean you mention any triggers at all, remember we are healing not reigniting the trigger flame.

My Tips for the healing Stage -

• Do not push them to try things: like going out for a day out or anything like that, if you feel they may be able to cope or enjoy a day out ask it as a question without any direct pressure such as - "I was thinking about going to the café later, want to come?" "hmm I want to bake a cake, do you know what I might need? I haven't done it in a while... oh really? could you help me get the right stuff?" 

• Take each day as it comes: Ignore the outside world and take everyday as it comes, when you reach the point of letting go it really does become alot easier, remember it will get better so just take a relaxed approach about it. Neither of you need additional stress during this time.

• Learn relaxation techniques: This technique involves learning how to calm one's body and mind. Deep breathing, mindfulness, and meditation are some relaxation techniques that help reduce stress and anxiety. It may seem daft but it really does help, I'm not talking about sitting crossed legged and muttering 'ummm', I'm actually talking during a meltdown or when your child is struggling with there anxiety. One thing I do is if my daughter is in difficulty I sit close to her and calmly speak with reassuring words, once her anger has calmed done into the anxious stage I then may stroke her on the leg, gently touch her cheek to sort of trick her overload with senses. I then move in with the compression therapy as this helps my daughter a lot and generally speaking it means i go in for a massive bear hug or even lay my head on her lap. Funny thing is that 'what the heck' moment really does shock her system and help regulate her.

• Use special interests to your advantage: My daughter had such low self esteem issues as well as was suffering with a very bad bout of depression. She believed that no body liked her, she wasn't loved, everybody hated her, I decided I was going to change that narrative using cognitive therapy with a modern twist. What I did was I used games like Roblox and Minecraft to create my daughter a gaming YouTube channel, we worked together everyday to create fun family videos and you know what happened? The fans started rolling in and she was enjoying herself. In a non direct way it changed her thought process with cognitive therapy, with each like and new fan it was a daily reminder that there is people out there that love her for the way she is. Doing this process also allowed us to spend quality family time which really helped replace vital lost serotonin and dopamine levels.

• Do not worry about them not going out: Seriously relax, it will happen again. The best technique I have is to use a form of reverse psychology so to speak, instead of trying to push them to come out and enjoy the sun shine.. Don't. Take away the pressure and just act as if the front door is sealed for them, you will find after time the child will actually eventually start being interested in the outside world. For some reason, completely removing the pressure that they have to go out actually helps them to heal better and then curiosity suddenly creeps its head in. Its not a quick fix and after all you would be helping them with various other types of emotional therapy's to, but it does work and its how after 6months my daughters now able to go outside again. 

• Going out: When the time does come that they are interested in going out, you need to spontaneously act on it. That means if after 5months not going out the front door and they fancy going swimming? Pack that bag and of you go! Acting on moments like these spontaneously gives your child control in going out and removes the pressure of someone forcing them out. When this stage started happening for my daughter I waited until we did at least 4 spontaneous outings before adding in suggestions. They way I did this was again by making myself on a lower level then her and pretty much asking questions to get a direct "ill do it response". I must admit I did have fun doing these as I use a lot of humour in therapy for  my daughter, some examples for the laughs - "Er .. Fae.. I've got my foot stuck in the door.. no seriously.. ahhh help!" (helped with getting her used to going near the front door) "Fae do you think birds would eat a banana on a stick? .. wait how can i put it on a stick? if I hold you can you stick the banana on a stick on the tree.. I'm too small like a hobbit". After I got her used to stepping out the door I then introduced the idea of going out once a week and we did this for over a month until we hit twice week and so on. This of course is a non direct way of doing graduated exposure without adding the pressure or realisation they are doing therapy.

• Constant verbal recognition: Celebrate every single victory whether its small or big. You need to remind your child how proud you are of everything they are accomplishing because that is what they need, reassurance they are doing good and that it doesn't matter that they cant go to school, everyone has blips in life and sometimes those blips are because things are not right for us. 

• Don't worry about pen to paper learning: Surprisingly, children learn a hell of a lot from the things they do on a day to day basis and I actually tested a theory just to see how much my daughter would learn doing the "un-schooling approach". Oh I was shocked at the results honestly, I did a simple maths and English test before hand with her and then I allowed her to do zero curriculum based academics for a whole month, just doing what ever she wanted and then re tested after. Turns out my daughter did over 50% better then before. Crazy huh?

Plan of action

The Problem we have now after discussing the triggers and steps to help heal our children is we need to decide and discuss with them what we are going to do long term. This is not an easy decision and its really something I can not make for you all I can do is offer my advice on what steps you can take.

You need to assess what the best thing would be for your child and that is if reintegrating into school would be likely, possible and not risk recurrence of EBSA. Below I'm going to list all the possibility's you have for long term resolution and as I've said it is up to you and your  child what you wish to do, no one else's.

Reintegration -

Some children that have developed EBSA can reintegrate easier then others but the parents need to make sure that the school have made additional requirements to meet the additional needs that were not met before.

• Work closely with the school to create a slow reintegration plan - Maybe going in once a week for non formal lessons like doing some activity's with a supportive teacher on a one to one basis. Then you can both slowly introduce more hours/days and possible classroom reintegration.

• You as the parent set the boundaries - You are your child's voice and everything that is in the reintegration process must be written down and full force on mutual communication.

• Get everything in writing - You need to make sure that paper trail is strong so that no stone is unturned. We don't want to go back to square one and risk further trauma.

• Communicate - Keep in constant communication with the school, be such a pest that they automatically ring you daily to say all is well.

Change Schools -

If the school the child was at is really not acceptable, you can change school if you see it fit. Changing schools could mean that you find a place that has better adjustments to meet your child's needs, especially if they are SEN and it is a specialist school. Use the same points as the reintegration section.

Flexi Schooling - 

Flexi-schooling is a form of education where a child is registered as a full-time pupil at a school but only attends part-time. In flexi-schooling, the child typically receives some of their education at home or with a tutor, while the rest is provided by their school. 

Flexi-schooling allows families to develop a more flexible approach to education that fits their child's learning style and needs. This can benefit both the child and the family, as it provides more control and flexibility over their learning schedule.

However, flexi-schooling is not a widely available option for families in the UK, and its availability depends on the policies of individual schools. It is generally only available to children in primary education (aged 5-11) and may be subject to specific regulations and conditions. 

Alternative Education -

Alternative education is education where a child is still on roll but does schooling differently. This may include - At home tutoring, home-schooling, private schools, charter schools, online learning, magnet schools, and vocational, technical or trade schools. Furthermore, it may refer to specific programs or initiatives such as Forrest schools, wilderness foundations, and tutoring programs. Alternative Education is supplied by your local authority, so it is best to look on your boroughs website to see what they offer.

Forrest schools are educational programs that encourage education and teaching primarily outdoors. The settings for these programs include natural environments, such as forests, parks, and other outdoor settings. These programs have hands-on learning opportunities that allow students to gain practical experience and develop social skills, creative thinking, and problem-solving abilities and are designed to improve the overall wellbeing of students.

Wilderness foundations - are programs that provide opportunities for education and personal development through wild wilderness experiences. These programs often include backpacking, camping, hiking, and many other activities that challenge young people to develop leadership skills, self-awareness, self-confidence, and other essential skills that would help them navigate life.

Tutoring programs - are education services that offer one-on-one instruction to students outside of regular school hours. The tutoring service providers offer assistance in one or more subject areas, helping learners to improve academic performance, achieve learning goals, and gain confidence. Tutoring is customized to suit the specific needs of the student, and the guidance provided with personal attention is beneficial as learners receive help for every question they have.

Alternative educational models such as Forrest schools, wilderness foundations, tutoring programs, among others, are significant as they provide valuable educational opportunities and benefits for students. These models help to address the diverse needs and interests of learners that the traditional public education system may not fully meet. However, before making a decision, it is essential to research each alternative education model, carefully evaluating and selecting the best option for a student.

Home Education - Home education, is a type of education where the parents or caregivers take responsibility for the education of children at home rather than sending them to a traditional school. This approach offers parents the flexibility to customize the curriculum and learning environment to suit their child's unique needs, abilities, interests, and learning styles. Home education does not get any funding from the local authority and it is down to the parents to pay and supply the education.

Parents or caregivers involved in home education often seek to establish a healthy learning environment at home, creating schedules, routines, and activities to encourage independent learning and development. 

Home education can be structured or unstructured. The parents are often responsible for assessing the child's progress and development and may request assessment assistance or testing from external evaluators.

Home education has become increasingly popular in recent years, with an increasing number of parents considering the option as a way to provide their children with a high-quality education tailored to their specific learning needs.

Checklist 

For parents -

• Remember its okay to say no. they have no power over you or your child.
• School settings are not compulsory,  only having an education is.
• You are your child's voice, Speak up.
• Make time for yourself to unwind.
• Mental health takes a while to cool down, give them time.

 

Paper trail to dos -

If you see these early signs of school Phobia/EBSA IE - 

• Reluctance to go to school
• Behaviour changes
• Struggling to get them in on time
• Struggling to get them in the school door
• Arriving more then a one hour late
• Missing a couple of days from school

You must contact Your doctor to get it logged that your child is struggling with emotional/mental health issues that are effecting there day to day life, even if it seems like such a minor thing getting this logged will benefit you and your child long-term. If you can recognise these early signs intervention from medical and the school has a much higher success rate in children being able to reattend once they are feeling better; this also is proof of EBSA if you need it for legal issues Etc.

If it is too far gone before you see this Blog and your at the stage of Burnout/Regular non attendance 

•  Contact your doctor if you haven't already and don't sugar coat the symptoms your child is experiencing with there mental health; This again is your proof of EBSA.
•  Contact CAMHS if the school or doctors have not made a referral to CAMHS please make a self referral for your child.

Talking to the school -

• Remain in communication with professionals.
• If your wanting to try and remain on roll you must set boundries but remain professional.
• Keep everything in writing.
• Report absence as mental health or additional needs not being met.

Conclusion -

The Journey through school phobia is a poignant reminder that these difficulties are not uncommon. It's a situation that can be emotionally taxing for everyone involved, from the child grappling with their fears to the parents trying to find solutions.

What's truly vital to understand is that you're not alone in facing this challenge. Many families navigate similar hurdles, and support networks are available to provide guidance and comfort. The key is to reach out and connect with others who have experienced similar struggles.

Above all, the importance of prioritizing your child's mental health over rigid adherence to the school system is paramount. While education is important, it should adapt to the unique needs of each child and that doesnt mean in needs to be in a school setting.

In closing, all our journey serves as a testament to the resilience of families facing school phobia and highlights the value of empathy, understanding, and proactive measures in nurturing a child's mental health.

Always remember,

Be kind, listen, and be the warrior parent you are.

You've got this and we've got you,

Your not alone.

Links, books, socials

Helpful websites on EBSA/School Phobia -

• NFIS - Not fine in school website

• NFIS - Facebook Group

• Squarepegs

• SEND code of practise

• Information on SAR Request

• BeyondAutism

Support - 

• CAMHS Self Referral form

• YoungMinds

• SENDIASS

• SOS!SEN

• IPSEA

• CONTACT

• NHS Mental health support for children and young people 

Government Information & codes -

• School attendance: guidance for schools, Code I: Illness 

• Education for children with health needs who cannot attend school

Legal Advice -

• Solicitors with expertise in disability and SEN cases
• IPSEA - free legal advice
• Children out of school, Simpson and miller Solicitors

Gross sources -

• Lets talk we miss you link for educators about School phobia/EBSA

• The School Refusal Assessment Scale-Revised (SRAS-R)

Books & Authors -

Dr Naomi Fisher -

A different way to learn: Neurodiversity and self-directed Education

Eliza Fricker -

Can't Not Won't: A Story About A Child Who Couldn't Go To School

Heidi Mavir - 

Your Child is Not Broken: Parent Your Neurodivergent Child Without Losing Your Marbles